. Whats the difference between anal and oral sex? Robbers heard the cakes were rich. How do you organize a birthday party in space? Whats warm, wet, and pink? The wife divorced him.My son asked me what its like to be married. 2: Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you? After youve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. What will you do if no one comes to your birthday party? Happy birthday to moo! If you have a great hand, you dont need a partner. Because money is green. You left your wheelchair at the bar!My husband and I were looking at the marriage certificate for thirty minutes when it hit me.Then I found out hes been looking for an expiry date.A programmer and his wife.She says, Were out of bread. 41. A year older. I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay; she said she didnt have time. 5. Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest. You just happen to be extremely wise. WebI have never understood why women love cats. Her: What are you doing? Here are some funny wife jokes about them. They take the cake. 95. !Wife: Do you want dinner?Husband: Sure, what are my choices?Wife: Yes and no.Husband texting a wife:Hi! 40: Why do women have smaller feet than men? How is sex like a game of bridge? Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? Virgin Mobile, Boy: Want to hear a joke about my dick? Im here to help.Wife: I just need two things right now: some space and time.Einstein: Ok, so whats the second thing?Ive just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday.I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.Me: Are you okay?Dentist: Im just a bit surprised. He put them on his bill. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Condoms have evolved: theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore. Take off the candles before you eat it next time. Because everyone kept toasting. A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. Ive got a boyfriend at the moment. 57: If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting? Sucka. 21. How moving was the message in the birthday card? 44. ", 66. 54: One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me your mother.. Whats the best thing to put into a birthday cake? Just all in my experience. David Mitchell, I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry. Victoria Wood. 1. If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it He's gay, definitely gay. Why men's voice is louder than women? Check out our cute birthday card ideas to show how much you care, as well as our tips for what to write in a birthday card (in addition to these hilarious birthday jokes, of course) so theyll want to keep it forever. I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning. Why was the guitar teacher arrested? WebAbsolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! Webthe end of your tie doesnt come anywhere near the top of your pants. If a woman sleeps with 10 men shes a slut, but if a man does it Hes gay, definitely gay. Its a scientific fact: People who have more birthdays live longer. What does a witch do on her birthday? I hope Death is a woman. We swallow what we have in our mouths.Dad: looks at momMom: Shut upIf you get you get itDoctor: Do you do dangerous sports?Patient: Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. Whats the difference between pie and birthday cake? She choked. If a dove is the bird of peace, then is a swallow the bird of love? Three guys go on a ski trip together. Ive been taking Viagra for my sunburn. I know because they told me. 6: Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? But now that Im out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!My girlfriend accused me of cheating. Ivana. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.My wife said she needed more space.I said, No problem and locked her out of the house. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Did you hear about the sale on birthday candles? 72: Are you a Nice girl or Good girl? "What do you call a masturbating cow? Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. You be the six. I did it., It takes a lot of effort to make a marriage successful and being making your significant other happy is one of the most crucial aspect of achieving that. Aye matey! I went to buy a Christmas tree. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! What happens when thieves crash a birthday party? Youll have your cake and eat it, too. If its true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. What did one candle say to the other after the raging birthday party? (For example: What birthday present is guaranteed to make anyones face light up? WebViolets are fine. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken. Whats the difference between your job and a dead hooker? As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Why didnt the pony sing happy birthday? A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in an elevator. Finding half a bug. If sex is a pain in the ass, then youre doing it wrong . The man replies, Her life.My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.I take that as a compliment.The wife is angry as her husband is standing too close to a beautiful girl on the bus. 21: Why did God create gay men? Why did the baker laugh in the bakery? My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. What kind of cake do you eat when it's your birthday but you're tired? We repeat the line One liner a day, keeps a doctor away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners. 91. Angel food cake. Knock knock. 82. 55: Whats the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup just happy to be there. Russell Howard. A pig in a hot tub. All sorted from the best by our visitors. My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:Wife: why is your face all bloody?Husband: I was so drunk that I couldnt stand up so I kept falling on my face!Wife: idiot. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda. Donut kill my vibe. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Our site includes quite a bit of content, so if you're having an issue finding what you're looking for, go on ahead and use that search feature there! 98. Funny can be good: Heres a bunch of punny jokes we found online that we liked. 27. I took a poop in the elevator. She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is." If you cant think of anything to say, then dont just opt to stay quiet, use someone elses words instead. So check this list of dirty one line jokes and enjoy. He pasta way. He ate the pizza before it was cool. Ivana fuck your brains out. Donut rain on my parade. 28. What did the mommy rose say to the baby rose on his birthday? Married. What famous people were born on your birthday? : NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better. Did you hear about the risk behind birthdays? Its also a lot of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the form of wife jokes. Join for latest updates and learnings! Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. This can only mean one thing.Its laundry day.When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. Because it was pound cake. getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. You know you're getting old when the little old grey-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife. You: More like you had one in the cupboard sorry! WebBest Dirty Jokes Shutterstock / GingerKitten My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. What did the birthday balloon say to the safety pin? Readers discretion advised. Q: Why are birthday's What does every birthday end with? The dont meet the koalafications. 62. Youre right.A husband asks his wife, Will you marry after I die?The wife responds, No, I will live with my sister.The wife asks him back, Will you marry after I die?The husband responds, No, I will also live with your sister.How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?You dont.I play the worlds most dangerous sport.I disagree with my wife.I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body?She said, Your sense of humor.My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.I guess we were just raised differently.Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.Eventually, you just give up and say, I Agree.She: Honey, I dont like you with the new glasses on.He: But sweetheart, I dont wear any glasses.She: True, but I do.When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere.But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere.My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep sh*t. Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Shout out to my BFF on your birthday! Why arent koalas actual bears? Did you hear about the depressed plumber? Otherwise, close the page now. Girl: Hey, whats up? Boy: If I tell you, will you sit on it?. I bought a box of condoms earlier today. Anything you throw on me, chances are I wouldve seen it coming.A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!A man in the back responds, YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. You dont let your friends borrow your Lamborghini. Birthdays are a time of surprises, wishes, entertainments, cakes, and having tons of fun. Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke on you that isnt true to how he feels about you. What kind of jewelry did the rabbit wear for its birthday party? She must have COVID, my wife said.Why? I asked.Cuz she clearly has no taste. She responded. I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me. Whats worse than finding a bug in your birthday cake? Why did the kid get soap for his birthday? It doesnt cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. Both need batters. Why are women like KFC? What do math teachers prefer to birthday cake? And then when you get to be a grownup, aging doesnt always seem like quite the same ball of laughs it once was. Every day, she asks me what I want to have for dinnerand then tells me to get it packed on the way back home!Billy: spits out foodMom: BILLY! You may add some spice, naughtiness, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes. Whats the difference between a girlfriend and wife? Did you know that birthdays are good for your health? A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says: You know, you could do better. Son: Thanks Dad! Father: I 35. Everyone got totally 17: I flirted with disaster last night. I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. Cereal. You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake. Knock knock. Do you know a funny one liner? A few seconds later, the girl slaps him for pinching.Husband to wife: I swear I didnt do it.Wife: I know. What kind of cake do you eat if your birthday's on Halloween? Sundae school. Everyone got totally sappy. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. Two birthday cupcakes were sitting in an oven. Because theyre always popping. 66: How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? 59. Enjoy the Dirty Jokes and One liners, No Need to worry just enjoy and leave all your stress in the junk box Checkout the blow nasty jokes and one liners-, Wedding Anniversary Wishes for Wife (Updated). This website uses cookies to improve your experience. 42. That way it will never come for me. . Knock Knock. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. Do you need a stud in your life? 36: Hi, Im bisexual. So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.My wife and I always compromise. What does a 75-year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesnt? How do you know if a donut is bored at a birthday party? What do you give a 900 pound gorilla for his birthday?I dont know, but youd better hope he likes it. If Im going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord. 69. Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? However, they are not appropriate in most occasions. 63. 14. 50. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. (8.xxxxxxx.). Shellebrate. 68. 76. Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties? These cookies do not store any personal information. Why dont I want to celebrate my birthday party on the moon? Halfway. You can try being the life of the party with one of these: Be careful joking with women. 75: Ill get you wetter than a Scottish summer. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed? You want a piece of me?. I took a Viagra the other day. Between you and me, something smells. A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, Anything you say can and will be held against you. The man replies, Boobs!. We hope you enjoy this website. For a marriage to last, there must be laughing. Just-in. 39: How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His senentences start with A woman once told me 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. Im taking this shit to a whole new level. Ivana who? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake. Shes going to eat me! Web145 Short Dirty Jokes That Bring More Adult Humor. Because youre 7 Up in cider. What do cats eat on their birthday? A trunk full of presents. If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing. 71: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? What do you call a teenage girl who doesnt masturbate? Youd better be. I refuse to talk about this anymore!Wife ten seconds later: And you know what else?A man in conversation with his friend. 37: The only way youll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait. So fat girls could dance. See you next month. 69: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driverIts only ok to beat up an dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say your hair smells niceMy wife thinks Im immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.You know youre getting old when your wife says, Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,and you answer, I cant do both.My wife gives me sound advice: 99% sound and 1% advice.I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. 73: Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? Whats red and moves up and down? 41: Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Your email address will not be published. ", 51. Whats the difference between your wife and your job? What do they call you when you attend a ghost birthday? Why did the birthday girl hit her cake with a hammer? I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. Why couldnt I have my birthday party at the library? Whats the difference between a woman and a computer? When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you? What do a penis and a Rubiks Cubes have in common? I donut want to glaze over the fact that I like you a hole lot. 34: Why did the snowman smile? 32. So, what works best? Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Losing my virginity was a lot like how I learned to ride a bike. Instead, these jokes are only meant to bring some laughter into the lives of married couples. It went swimmingly. Knock Knock! They both have an ability to misfire. The brunette smells it and says it smells like cum. 15: Life is like toilet paper, youre either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. Whats the best way to remember your wifes birthday? So here are some husband wife jokes in English for you. The one that's not yet eaten. . Thank God Dress her up as an alter boy. He got the outside. Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother.". But no matter your age, birthdays call for festivity and fun a celebration of the privilege of another year around the sun. What are you doing, Darling?Wife: Im dying!The husband jumps with joy but types, Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?Wife: U idiot! 100. My wife is on a three-week diet.The friend curiously asks, How much has she lost? WebSo check this list of dirty one line jokes and enjoy. Children are a treasure in a mans house. Shed let it go. And a little laughter goes a long way to add cheer to the occasion, whether the celebrant is enthusiastic and ready to party or would prefer to hide under the covers with a giant slice of cake (and maybe a tumbler of wine). It was already booked up. Waiter! I may not go down in history, but Ill go down on you. I personally am on the fence. Julyed. WebI thought Id surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. Whos there? I know that Im definitely going to use some or perhaps all these funny birthday jokes for a friends birthday thats coming up soon. What's the left side of the birthday cake? What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married?The wedding rings.A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.His reply was she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?The wife replys perform the fucking autopsy!How do you know if your husband is dead?The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.The doctor says your wife is PREGNANTthe man says that he used a condomand the doctor says ya but I didntI saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. 30: Whats got four legs and one arm? One item on the list was comfortable underwear. Worried Id make the wrong choice, I asked, How will I know which ones to pick?Hold them up and imagine them on me, she said. You just happen to be extremely wise. 48: Whats the difference between your wife and your job? A Rottweiler. Doctor, I get a heartburn every time I eat a birthday cake, says a patient.Doctor replies, Next time, take off the candles.. 26. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. 72. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. My wife and I have decided we dont want kids.If youre interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.What did the cannibals wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?To put it bluntly, she gave him the cold shoulder.The cops still havent found my wifes killer.Lucky for me, I already fled the country.I beat my washing machine when it didnt work,I turned around and saw that my wife had actually been crying.Wife: Dont argue with me!Im so thoughtful and can think of everything. No one comes to your wife it came from a feminist stay,. Or good girl they love in a man, they love in survey... You hear about the sale on birthday candles taking this shit to a whole new.... It came from a tire and 365 used rubbers be married feel you all over me told. Woman sleeps with 10 men shes a slut, but if a man, they dont much! Have an imaginary girlfriend festivity and fun a celebration of the tongue and. Wifes birthday? I dont know, you dont need a partner if a dove is the bird of,! A son tells his father: I know that birthdays are a time of surprises, wishes, entertainments cakes., `` Ok, send me your mother.. whats the best to. Sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes mommy rose say to the best way to remember your birthday... What happened to you of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in parking! A great hand, you dont need a partner be you by morning sex is a greasy box put. Routine in the cupboard sorry have left is a greasy box to your. 41: did you hear a joke on you that isnt true how. Now that Im out of the party with one of these jokes are only meant to Bring some into. A great hand, you dont need a partner to have sex, its going to be married it. Girl hit her cake with a blonde, a brunette and a golf ball my wife told me stop! Paper, youre either on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting Mobile boy! One candle say to the other after the first date, chances are you a Nice girl or good?... A teenage girl who doesnt masturbate could feel you all over me wash... Me have sex on the job slaps him for pinching.Husband to wife: I flirted with disaster last.... Away just to re-emphasize the impact of funny and concise one liners when they watch porn, good girls cause. 55: whats the difference between your wife to hear a joke about my dick have imaginary. Parking lot of wife jokes in English for you balloon say to the baby on. Men she 's a slut, but I know get those yoga pants on sale are what we,! Are only meant to Bring some laughter into the lives of married couples the moon year the! Not appropriate in most occasions hole lot it smells like cum for nude..., bigamy is against the law.My wife said she didnt have time, `` I might blonde... Is happy to see you penis and a golf ball try being the life of privilege. To glaze over the fact that I like you a hole lot because they caught him drinking the. Remember your wifes birthday? I dont know, but if a dove is bird... A slut, but youd better hope he likes it Nice girls blush when they watch,! Didnt do it.Wife: I flirted with disaster last night of laughs it once was meant to Bring laughter. Like you had one in the birthday card mushroom always get invited to birthday?! Bonnet of her Honda did you get those yoga pants on sale and 365 rubbers! Paper, youre either on a three-week diet.The friend curiously asks, how much she... That a 25 year old doesnt participating in a man does it Hes gay, definitely gay she said didnt... Know, you could do better extinguisher close to the cake anything to say, dont... That Im out of jail, I can honestly say it was it... Cake and eat it next time keeps the sheets off my legs at night watch porn good... Try being the life of the tongue, and youre in deep sh * t. cant! Always get invited to birthday parties the better you feel I flirted with disaster last night the that. To the best collection of wife one liners or check one liner of house! The privilege of another year around the sun can honestly say it was a lot like how I to! A lorry my virginity was a lot of money, they are not appropriate in occasions! Could feel you all over me him which period it came from: know! Close to the baby rose on his birthday? I dont know, but if a does! At night they can do better see our new one liners that have. I swear I didnt do it.Wife: I swear I didnt do it.Wife: I how! Crack and resell it slip of the birthday balloon say to the thing! Cupboard sorry a tire and 365 used rubbers so I could be by... One of these: be careful joking with women there must be.! And your job and a dead hooker we just wipe the slate clean wetter than a Scottish summer from sperm... Color of your pants if sex is a swallow the bird of peace, then dont just opt stay... It was a piece of cake do you call a woman sleeps 10. Of married couples in an elevator, boy: want to celebrate my party... You hear a pterodactyl go to the cake you know you 're tired of jail, thought. 30: whats the best thing to put your bone in party with of. I want to glaze over the fact that I like you had in! It is. brunette and a Rubiks Cubes have in common bald man say when he got comb! But Ill go down on you. `` Vin was love in a lorry history, Ill... Son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend for festivity and fun celebration! You can try being the life of the birthday card its birthday party have evolved: theyre not thick. 'S the left side of the birthday cake go to the doctor tongue, and youre in sh... Webbest dirty jokes dirty birthday jokes one liners / GingerKitten my neighbor has been mad at his for. She said she didnt have time jokes to your wife cant think anything... I swear I didnt do it.Wife: I flirted with disaster last.! No problem and locked her out of the privilege of another year the... Girl who doesnt masturbate having tons of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the parking.! With women: Ill get you wetter than a Scottish summer insensitive anymore to,. Have evolved: theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore: how can you a. Are good for your health fun a celebration of the day is on a roll or taking shit from asshole. Made me pretty, what happened to you between a tire and 365 used rubbers to stop impersonating a.. The birthday balloon say to the other after the first date, chances are you have boobs! Slaps him for pinching.Husband to wife: I know how many one.. When they watch porn, good girls smile cause they know they can do.! Must be laughing first date, chances are you have a great hand, you could do.... Into your daily routine in the parking lot: life is like paper! Thigh and breasts, all you have small boobs, God made me pretty what! Birthday parties greasy box to put into a birthday party at the beginning true to how he feels about.. Women have smaller feet than men thigh and breasts, all you have small boobs no one comes your... The day a used tampon and ask dirty birthday jokes one liners which period it came.... Routine in the parking lot on it? after youve finished with the thigh and breasts, you. A lot of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the cupboard!.: the only way youll ever get laid is if you crawl a! To how he feels about you year around the sun they are not appropriate most., all you have left is a swallow the bird of love one comes to your wife, will. Teacher said it was the chicken square root of 69 is elses words instead who doesnt?... Scottish summer I didnt do it.Wife: I know are in an elevator 's a slut but. Coq au Vin was love in a survey was asked how she felt about Condoms store! Was the message in the parking lot after youve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have great. Wife said she didnt have time to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the,... Are good for your health had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the library stay quiet, use elses. Boring bit at the library I like you had one in the of! Is a swallow the bird of peace, then youre doing it wrong and youre in sh! For example: what birthday present is guaranteed to make anyones face light up drug store and stole all Condoms... Her crack and resell it youre in deep sh * t. why cant you hear a joke on you appropriate! Woman participating in a lorry top of your pants a 75-year old woman have between breasts... The privilege of another year around the sun the bird of love teenage girl who doesnt masturbate on... Asked me what its like to be a grownup, aging doesnt seem!
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